Ah well, the non-story of the week - “Model shags musician, takes drugs” - seems destined to rumble on now that the Met have got in on the act and decided to investigate the Mirror’s recent publication of photographs of Kate Moss indulging in a line or two of charlie.

Ordinarily, I’d treat this particular story with the disdain it deserves, not least because of the banl predictability of everything that will now follow.

These stories invariably run to a basic script which goes as follows:

1. Celebrity take drugs.
2. Tabloid publishes photos of celebrity taking drugs.
3. Celebrity loses a few contracts.
4. Police say they’ll investigate celebrity taking drugs.

So far, so good.

Next we’ll have:

5. Celebrity goes into rehab.
6. CPS decide not to prosecute due to ‘lack of evidence’ - celebrity having already snorted all the evidence, anyway.
7. Celebrity leaves rehab, signs contract with Max Clifford and sells story of their ‘drug hell’ to crappy celebrity obsessed magazine and Sunday tabloid.
8. Celebrity gets new contracts with same companies as before.
9. Tabloid describes celebrity as ‘brave’ and ‘fighting back’
10. Public wonders why the fuck anyone bothered with all this in the first place when it’s all so completely predictable.

There are a couple of minor points of interest which are worth noting.

First there’s Ian Blair’s comments to journalists over the weekend that he had been ‘personally involved’ in the decision to launch an investigation - nice to see him taking such an obvious interest in a matter of obvious public importance…

… it’s just a shame he couldn’t be arsed to show the same degree of interest whien his officers shot an innocent man in a tube station but, hell, at least we know where his priorities lie - in getting his name in press for something other than having presided over the extra-judicial execution of Jean Charles de Menezes.

However, of more interest is the fact that the Mirror’s ‘revelations’ - their term, not mine - come a mere three months after Moss accepted a substantial but undisclosed sum in damages from the Mirror over a story in 2001 which alleged that she’d collapsed into drug-induced coma after taking coke…

The words ‘dumb as fuck’ naturally spring to mind here - If you take a newspaper for a shitload of money and a grovelling apology after they claim you have a coke habit, then it should be pretty damn obvious that the first thing the paper’s going to do, having settled, is follow you around everywhere in an effort to prove that they were right all along - especially when your current boyfriend is well a known advocate of ‘better living through chemistry’ = possible the only surprise in this whole sorry business is that the Mirror’s headline on the day they broke the story wasn’t ‘Gotcha’.

Now what was that about a dish best served cold?